An exciting day for people in the middle of the Venn Diagram of “People Who Think I’m a Cool Dude” and “People Who Like Funny T-Shirts.” Three of four shirts released by Busted Tees today were my ideas. I think they’re some of my better shirts, too. You should buy them because something something the economy or whatever.



And this came out a couple weeks ago. It’s one of my favorites.

While getting ready to move and digging through my old stuff, I found some of my old Onion headline submissions. I contributed headlines sporadically after I interned there my sophomore year at college, until I started at CH. I still think some of these jokes are funny.
- Area Elementary School Student Wishes Just Once Fire Drill Would Be Real
- “Juicer Not For Meat,” Says Bourgeois Area Mom
- Senior Citizen Indiscriminately Applying To Afterlives
- New Soft Drink Container Quickly Fills Stomach, Lungs With Refreshing Pepsi
- Area Bus Driver Likes To Pretend He Is Bus Driver Of The Stars
- Area Man Waiting For Next Big Development In Garage Door Technology Before Finishing Garage
- Angst Ridden Teenage Robot Wishes He Was Never Invented
- Area Fetus Intentionally Fails Birth In Effort To Live Off Parents For Another Trimester
- Rebellious Burger Touts The Lives It’s Claimed In New Ad
- Area Man Interested In Fucking Girl Interested In Catching Up With Him
- Determined Group of Stoners Overcome Adversity To Achieve Amateur Softball Championship*
- Area Man Persuaded To Vote Kerry By Outdated Bumper Sticker
- Congressman Spends Whole Day In Senate By Mistake
- Freshman Rep. Alan Grayson To Get Detention If He Is Late For Congress One More Time**
- Government To Issue Delicious New Meat Coats to Cold, Hungry Homeless This Winter: “Choose Your Fate,” Says Government
- Speed Limit Enforced By Fatal Accidents
- US Days Without National Tragedy Counter Rapidly Approaching 2***
- McDonald’s Introduces Healthy New Food-Free Options
- Area Man Evolves Just To Prove Creationists Wrong
- OP/ED: Someone Please Stop Me Before I Suicide Bomb Again!
- Special X-Games Full Of Athletes Injured In Regular X-Games
- International Super-Spyware Averts Nuclear Disaster Using Stolen Personal Information
- Penis Enlarged, Still Unused
I wish I had more of these saved. Unfortunately, I was submitting these in the days of hotmail, and hotmail never saved my sent messages for some reason. I may be able to find more on a flash drive somewhere, and if I do I’ll post them.
* Based on the ruthless High Times magazine softball team, the Bong Hitters
** I added a current freshman representative because I didn’t have one written down
*** Written during a time of frequent national tragedies, but I can’t remember which